I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
