I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
