I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
