Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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