dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I love you. Go after that dick
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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