i can't believe i had my finger in that
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize