I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
