I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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