The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
