Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
