Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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