no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
