hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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