I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
