ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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