Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
