I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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