i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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