No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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