i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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