Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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