could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
