i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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