you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
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