my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
