she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
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