I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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