you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
