Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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