You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I faked an abortion last night.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
