dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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