i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
