dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
