By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
