I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
