i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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