I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I came so hard my ears popped.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
