ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
