she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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