hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
