So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Randomize
