Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
