New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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