God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
