did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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