i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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