i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
