Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
