someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
