There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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