Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
