Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
