just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
