dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
