You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Randomize
